Sunrise at Mt. Pulag last October 2008
Thank you Lord that I was able to get home safely tonight, at the comfort of a cab to boot. Thank you for the provision to do so. I did not even notice that it rained earlier to think that at my back in the office is a window. Kaya po siguro maraming mga pasahero pa rin akong nadaanang naghihintay ng jeep.
Thank you for the easy to prepare meals at home. Happy tummy after only a few minutes! Thank you for making me realize these things, despite the many heartaches brought about by work. I pray that I get the correct and expected results in my testing.
Thank you rin po pala for the yellow butterfly I saw this afternoon. I’d like to believe that it was my mom saying hi. Maybe, even now that she’s gone, she still knows the pain I’m going through right now.
Lastly, please help me understand quickly all the things I’m reviewing for my exam. Gusto ko po talagang mag-exam na this Thursday. Amen.
August 15 is the Feast of the Assumption. During my elementary years, we always celebrated this in school since my school then was run by the Religious of the Assumption sisters. It was a community celebration hence our families were encouraged to attend. Of course, we start the celebration with a mass. We usually have selected students choreograph most of the songs during the mass.
After the mass, there were parlor games which the students and parents can participate in. Lucky for me that in the only game in my entire elementary life where my mom and I participated, we won first prize. I can’t remember what grade I was or what the prize was but I clearly remember the game and my mom’s happy (and bragging) voice while she was explaining how she won. I don’t know the official name of the game but let’s just say that it’s “Find your daughter” game. It was played in pairs – 1 child and 1 parent. The parents were blindfolded while searching for their kids. The kids were positioned away from their parents and they were not allowed to move. Only the parents should move. And so less than a minute after the go signal, my mom found me. How was she able to recognize me? With my blouse that day. She knew that the sleeves of the blouse I was wearing went beyond my fingers so we usually fold it inside so it won’t be that long. When she felt that there was excess cloth tucked in my wrist area, she raised our hands indicating that she found her kid.
Now that I think about it, I don’t know if she was able to check out the other kids before they were blindfolded. I’m pretty sure that I wasn’t the only one wearing a blouse with long sleeves before as it was usually colder where I came from. So maybe, together my blouse, it was also her mother’s instinct that worked that day.
Note: No, this post is not to discuss the feast day of the assumption. I would just like to document this particular memory of my mama (which coincidentally happened during Assumption Day), simply because these are only what I have now…just memories of her, after losing her so quickly and without any premonition more than a year ago. It is in the hopes that by doing this, I would be able to slowly move on with my life because unfortunately for me, I’m having a hard time doing that until now.
** Credits to the owner of the image.**
A visit to a friend’s place today had me thinking yet again. I want something but I’m not sure if it is a wise buy. I know that you weren’t so keen on the last major decision I made last year. I’m now regretting that I didn’t ask further as to why you were not so amenable.
Now, I’m at the crossroads again, badly needing your advice. If I push for it, would you agree to it? I wish there is a way to know what you think. I know you’ll still say it’s up to me but I would really like to know your opinion. Let me know in my dreams please?
By the way, Jen graduated the other day with her MS in Chemistry in Ateneo. It’s also my dream to go to Ateneo and someday wear their blue toga! After UPD perhaps. Anyway, she invited me to her celebration (and house blessing of her sister’s condo), and during the cab ride, a song that you used to sing (I forgot the title) played in the radio and it made me cry and miss you more. 🙁 I was also able to talk to her mom and she was amazed at Jen’s school. She said it was beautiful! And I agree with her! And then it hit me again that on my own graduation in UP, you won’t be there to attend it na :(. Hay Mama, nagsaor ka nu maminsan ta inbatim dagos dakami. Kunak nu sika ti kadwak nga bumaket tani kasla met awan mangkayat kanyak ngem kapanao ka met nga dagos. Hanko ammo ti ikastak ketdi idiay balay ko tatta.
Anyway, back to my concern. Ano sa tingin mo mother? Good decision kaya? Butterflies please please please mother! I love you forever. Please continue watching over us. And I don’t mind seeing you in my dreams.
I woke up to my birth month with a little sadness because this time, I know that I won’t be receiving any birthday greeting from you starting this year. Tanging ikaw lang pa naman ang bumabati sa akin sa family. Wala bang cellphone dyan? O kaya makitext ka na lang kay Lord hehe. O kaya pwede mo rin akong batiin sa panaginip ko. Please, Mama…
Ok, I think this month will be the hardest after losing my mother last July. I thought I was fairly ok because I have really waited for that moment when I had to break down and just let it all out. It never happened to me, not even during the semestral break where I convinced myself was the right time to do it. In November, I was even already feeling excited about the coming holidays and even invited my friend to spend the New Year at home. However, come 1st of December, things changed. It was my first real breakdown after the funeral. On several occasions in the past when I was about to cry, I was still able to convince myself that I shouldn’t. However, it was different since December 1st. I am really feeling the reality of my loss as the holidays come nearer, different from past months where I just know that my mother is gone forever.
I’m sorry for feeling this way. I know you wouldn’t want me to and that you want me to just move on with my life but I just can’t help it. Now that you’re gone, no one will tell me that it’s ok to skip going home on Christmas if it’s too tiring for me but would require me to be home before the New Year, by hook or by crook. It’s supposed to be our second Christmas in the new house. I’m just so sad that you had to go so soon. After I visited you last November, I thought I was already ok. However, when December rolled in, reality hit me. I am still lost now. I still don’t understand why you had to go. I still don’t get a lot of things. I still haven’t totally confronted myself about the whole thing. I’m still afraid to do it. I’m still afraid that doing so would make me weak and become demotivated to go on with my life, which I’m sure you won’t agree to. I’m afraid of what my future would be without you. I know I’m too old to be this clingy but when you were gone, it dawned on me that for the major decisions I had to do my entire life, you were my consultant. What happens now? The past months, all I did was to avoid this confrontation. But I know I just had to do it to help me move on. I promise I’ll get there, no matter how long it will take me to.
I miss you everyday, Mama. For now, all I need is to believe that you are always there watching over us, so I can push myself everyday to continue with my life.
As a service awardee this year (completed 10 years with the company last Feb.), I am allowed to bring 1 guest during our company Christmas party. My first option was my friend who also works in the same company but she recommended my high school friend instead. I told that other friend and she was ok with it. However…there was that feeling of uncertainty and discomfort with such plan and I don’t exactly know why I had such feelings. Something was amiss. We were supposed to RSVP last Nov. 22, but given the circumstances, I did not send mine.
And then earlier tonight, it dawned on me. I want a family member to be with me. Specifically, I want to bring my Mama as guest. Thing is, I can’t anymore. She’s gone. Gone forever to be our angel. Sniff sniff. It would have been fun to spend the night with her and show where and who I spent the last 10 years of my life.
So, the next best thing was to check with my aunt if she’s available and she can spare time to come. Maybe bringing her would be like being with my Mama. If not, at least we can have some of the night reminiscing good memories of our times with Mama. If she is available, and if I’m still allowed to RSVP this week, then maybe it’s meant to be. It remains to be seen.